Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
