I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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