Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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