you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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