She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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