I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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