i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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