Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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