My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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