Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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