Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
