thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
