alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
