I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
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So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
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PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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