i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Success! We fucked roommates!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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