I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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