Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
