You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
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His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
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I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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