its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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