My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
