Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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