I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
