My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize