pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
