Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
