News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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