M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This is the high leading the old right now
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
