Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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