I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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