I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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