I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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