well I can't set my house on fire every night
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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