I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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