my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
