just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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