Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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