Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
