I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
