Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just gift wrapped bread.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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