When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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