my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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