I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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