I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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