I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
