I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
