remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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