I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
