Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am midnight drunk by noon
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
