I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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