What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
