I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
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She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
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He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I love you. Go after that dick
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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