"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
