absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
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a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
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Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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