idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
