when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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