I wish my penis had an off switch
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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