my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
